March 28, 2008

Leos and Tigers and Bears

It's official - I am now assdeep in planning a literacy event that I somehow, in a weak moment, volunteered to chair for Olive's precious preschool. The emails, they's a-flying, and if I have to set up one more meeting between now and next Monday, I'm seriously pitching a tent on campus til the whole thing blows over. Which, based on the personal letter he sent T-Bone about saving the polar bears, would probably make this guy really happy:

Wha? You mean you didn't get yours? I just knew it was from Leo the minute I saw the envelope:

He don't need no stinkin' return address! Why, that dude's so green, he just lives on movie sets and in his electric car. His earnest prose and leading-man good(?) looks convinced me, by God, so I will soon be the proud owner of a smart new polar bear tote bag. And probably on the mailing list of every tree-huggin' outfit on the planet. For now, I think I just might add this to my collection.

March 26, 2008

Eggcellent ...

What an Easter-y weekend we had! Olive had an Easter party and egg hunt at school on Thursday, and then she and Peach eagerly awaited sundown so Peach could indulge in the joy of dessert once again, having given it up for Lent. Sweet baby, she took it very seriously - after T-Bone gave her an Altoid after dinner one night, she held it up and said, "Lord, forgive me if this is dessert!"

Saturday, we hit another egg hunt, and both girlies came away with several candy-filled eggs and various other prizes, including the chocolate bunny Peach won as the clean-up runner for her team in the egg-on-a-spoon relay. Y'all, she made up a whole leg for her team - I've never seen her move so fast! And smooth! We may need to rethink this ballet stuff and look into track. UT did just raise tuition AGAIN, so a scholarship would be sweet ...

After the annual coloring of the eggs that afternoon, we had dinner with our dear friends, The Televisions, and the kids had a ball with the two dozen cascarones I brought. Mrs. Television is from Michigan, so she had never even heard of a confetti egg until I introduced them to her a couple of years ago - I just think that's so funny. By the time we embarked on the 40 minute drive home, we were all sufficiently stuffed, stinky, and soon thereafter, asleep. I always forget how much more people weigh when they're zonked and you have to carry them upstairs. My apologies to everyone who has ever attempted to carry my fat ass anywhere.

Sunday brought a beautiful day and bountiful baskets, as well as numerous photo ops in our bodacious bluebonnets:

They came back bigger, brighter, and even more badass than last year, and I have to say, we're pretty spoiled to get such a showing in just two years. So come on over with your cameras and your childrens. And beer would be nice, too.

March 23, 2008

Time's Up*

Since no one guessed these movies, I suggest y'all get out and rent some of these mofos - you don't know what you're missing!

1. Used Cars - Come on! Kurt Russell and Jack Warden? I love this tagline: Estimated Laugh Count: 287 City, 410 Highway. Use these numbers only for comparison. Your actual laughs may vary depending on how you feel about used car salesmen, nude women, spectacular car stunts, and the President of the United States. (But really, you have to see this.)

2. Glitter - Yes, I saw it. At the movies. And it wasn't a matinee. Just one in a long line of awesomely bad flicks that Karla May and I have seen, on purpose, either at home or on the big screen. Or both. I think Malcontent Mama was with us on this one - or was it Bring It On?

4. A League of Their Own - This was Madonna's line, and in a future post, I'll tell y'all the story of my great aunt, who played in the AAGPBL, and was in this movie, and was a big hit with Her Madgesty, who then insisted that the two take a picture together:

5. Field of Dreams - People! This was Burt Lancaster, talking about his short-lived baseball dream. Omigod, I have seen this movie, or at least parts of it, about 10,ooo times, and I weep - WEEP, I tell you - every friggin' time. And I don't even like baseball. Or Kevin Costner.

6. U2: Rattle and Hum - This was that sexy devil, Adam Clayton, in one of the only concert movies I'll watch. It came out at the height of my obsession with Bono, and I knew I'd love him forever after they showed their trip to Memphis. Which brings me to ...

7. Change of Habit - The King's last movie, in which he plays a doctor trying to clean up the streets with the help of three undercover nuns-to-be, one of whom is Mary Tyler Moore. Seriously. It's a "drama." With only three songs. And Ed Asner. I had never seen this particular E vehicle until I met T-Bone, who has his own personal copy. Yet another reason I love the guy.

8. Slacker - Way back before the big Tech Boom, and the even bigger Tech Bust, and before every hipster wannabe asshole in California decided it would be "cool" and "cheap" to live in Austin, this sleepy little town was just like this movie portrays it to be. I knew people in the movie, and I knew people just like people in the movie. I even went to "the premiere" at Dobie, for those of y'all that that means something to. I like to revisit this little piece of history now and again, but every time I do, I see yet another place that is now literally gone, obliterated, and erased so some dickhead developer can build more hideous high-rise condos and lofts that no one can afford and only serve to muck up my skyline. Great flick, though.

So that's it. I thought most of these were so obvious, but I see now that I have spent far too many hours, planted on the couch, sobbing into my popcorn bowl as Sally Field gives that GD speech after Julia Roberts' funeral AGAIN.

P.S. The title of the last post came from No Country For Old Men - it was one of my BIL's lines, remember?! And #11, which T-Bone posted in the comments, was from Diner. Yeah, I didn't get it either.

Easter post to follow ...

* This just in - as I was writing this post, it seems that Karla May finally got her ass around to really reading the last post, so I have to give her belated props for correctly guessing 2, 5, and 8. You may also keep the BBFF anklet I gave you for your bday one time.

March 19, 2008

Are You Going To Shoot Me?* (Now With Hints!)

For lifting this movie meme from one of the many people who posted it much sooner and much better than me? But I love it so. And I'm the one fishing for some comments from the peanut gallery, assuming there is a peanut gallery out there ... anyone? Whatever, I enjoyed putting it together.

For those of you who haven't been playing along at home, here are memorable lines from some of my favorite movies, and your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make guesses in the comments, and then I give you all kinds of props and whatnot when you're right. Sounds so awesome, right? Let's go!

  1. We had nuns - nuns - protesting in front of the dealership this morning ... I had to get Jim to turn the fire hose on them. (1980 - comedy gold, pre-Goldie)
  2. Do you really think inside your mind that because you swing your ass around on stage and you hit a couple of high notes here and there, that you are some colossal success? (2001 - People Magazine's one word review: "Litter.")
  3. Show Dick some respect! (1985 - Saturday morning at Shermer High) Fersure, fersure Badger, it's The Breakfast Club. Omigod, how much do I love this movie. My friends and I could quote just about every line in the damn thing, but we used this one in particular quite a bit because our drama teacher was named Richard, and we always called him Dick. But in a good way.
  4. And what am I supposed to do, huh? Go back to taxi dancin'? Ten cents so some slob can sweat gin all over me? I'm never doin' that again! So you go back there! And you tell "Mr. Rich Old Chocolate Man" that he ain't closing ME down! (1992 - "Dirt in the skirt")
  5. You know we just don't recognize the most significant moments of our lives while they're happening. Back then I thought, well, there'll be other days. I didn't realize that that was the only day. (1989 - Heaven in the Heartland)
  6. There are some people who say you shouldn't mix politics and music, sports and politics. Well ... I think that's kinda bullshit! (1988 - lads on the road)
  7. You don’t feel much on The Stuff. (1969 - three sisters and a king)
  8. I've had a total recalibration of my mind, you know. I mean, it's like, I've been banging my head against this 19th century type, um, what? Thought mode? Construct? Human construct? Well, the wall doesn't exist. It's not there, you know. I mean, they tell you, look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, there is no tunnel. There's just no structure. The underlying order is chaos. (1991 - the good old days in the ATX)
  9. Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya. Word, Karla May, it's National Lampoon's Vacation. John Candy cracked me up so much that I actually have a picture I took of the TV screen when he's delivering this line. That is how gay I am.
  10. I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything. Ah yes, wise Bookhart, these are the immortal words of David St. Hubbins in This Is Spinal Tap, probably one of the most oft-quoted movies of all time. It's such a fine line between stupid and clever ...
* Bonus points, and possibly alcohol, for the cinematic genius, and very dedicated reader of this blog (hint), who correctly guesses which movie this line came from. (2007 - brotherly love)

March 17, 2008

Attention Self-Important Beyotches With Brats in Olive's Dance Class

I am so over you and all of your bullshit. Specifically:
  • To the mom in the permanent tennis outfit - I don't care who you saw "at the club" today or any day nor do I give a flying fig about how you have to keep getting your racket grip adjusted to keep your obnoxious wedding set from pinching your finger.
  • To the mom with the Blackberry surgically attached to her hand - Thanks for always having some shoes or clothes or a purse on hold at Nordstrom's that you "simply must pick up this instant" so, like clockwork, I can be here to take your daughter to the potty about halfway through every class. What is it that you feed that child?
  • To the mom with the standing mani/pedi appointment across the street, but who doesn't seem to mind her pisspoor dye job and hot mess of a haircut - Your daughter is ugly, and not just because she looks a lot like a young Tori Spelling. She is ugly because she pushes people and shakes her fist at them and talks back to the teacher and throws a GD screaming crying fit every GD time she doesn't get to be first or last or in the middle or has to do things like DANCE in dancing class.
  • To the mom who complains every time her husband goes out of town for work because "two weeks is a long time alone with your children," even though you don't work and have sitters lined up around the clock - Shame on you. Just shame on you.
  • And to every bloody one of you who are so GD busy with your self-important bullshit that you can't sit for 45 minutes a week, even ONCE the entire year, and watch your daughter dance but instead blow in for the last two minutes of class, just after your urchins have finally climbed down from the barres they've been scaling for half the class or finished rolling around on the floor, once again refusing to participate. It's always then that you breathlessly say, "Oh - aren't they cute?" just before you drag your brats off to yet another lesson or camp or workshop or whatever the hell because God forbid you should have to actually spend some time with your kids. Congratulations. They truly are a reflection of you. Good job.

March 13, 2008

What I Did On My Spring Break Vacation

Went here. Many times. Trust me.

March 6, 2008

Dewey Cheatem & Howe

Normally, I try to avoid and discourage forwaded and/or lawyer jokes, but it's cold and rainy outside, and this made me laugh:

Warning Signs that You Need a New Lawyer:
  • You met him in prison
  • The sign in front of his office says, "Practicing Law Since 2:25"
  • At your initial consulation, he tries to sell you Amway
  • When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other
  • He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose"
  • He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger"
  • He keeps yelling, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and drinks a shot
  • He keeps citing the case of Godzilla v. Mothra
  • When he says, "Your Honor," he makes air quotes
  • When his objections are overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

I'm pretty sure I graduated with that guy. And he was already disbarred two years later. Idiot.