Hello, Lover. I've Missed You.

I love to read. I was an early reader and had a bookshelf brimming with books to choose from. I still have my first library card and can close my eyes right now and smell the stacks of the Westfall Branch of the SAPL from back in the day. I even wanted to be a librarian when I grew up - I loved those due date rubber stamps, the wooden card catalog, and just the perfect order of it all! Heavenly!

Flash forward to the college years, and my pleasure reading took a backseat to assigned works like the Entire Freaking Canon of Shakespeare (they're not all masterpieces, BTW), Theatre History from The Big Bang to The Great White Way (like, a shitload of history), and any number of post-war piece of crap plays whose names escape me now but that I was ready to perform in my best Standard English dialect at a moment's notice. Then in law school, reading hundreds of pages a week (even a night, sometimes) left me with precious little time or inclination to read anything non-legal. In fact, I remember quite clearly in my first year fighting sleep while I tried to glean the rule of law from a Vanity Fair interview with Sandra Bullock. Clearly, I was nuts.

Later, after scaring the hell out of myself (and annoying the hell out of T-Bone, though he would never admit it) with every pregnancy and parenting tome I could put my hands on, once Peach was born, my literary focus shifted to children's books, which I adore and would secretly love to write (shhh). Thanks to my obsession and T-Bone's mom's 25 years as a kindergarten teacher, Peach and Olive boast a library that is simply unparalleled, and they, too, love to wile away the hours with a stack of titles of their own choosing. They've had library cards since before they could walk, and of all the amazing things they can do, having them read to me absolutely moves me every time. Happy tears.

All this to say, since I left LawNerds and the hundreds of rancid, not-even-legally-or-historically-relevant-anymore cases I had to read each week, I've been trying to restart my reading habit, or at least extend it beyond the 10 minutes of People magazine I can get through before dozing off. Now, I'm not the speed demon she is, and I sure as hell can't read multiple books at once like she does, mostly because, really, I'm not very smart, and I have a hard time keeping all those characters straight and distinguishing between fantasy and reality, past and present, good twin, evil twin, etc.. So, I started off slow and have now truly rediscovered my love for the books, so much so that I'm on a first-name basis with most of the staff at my neighborhood Half Price Books. Granted, I'm not taking on anything too weighty at this point, mostly chick lit, mostly of the Southern fried variety, but I am enjoying myself and enjoying reading something that doesn't necessarily have to end up with a winner and a loser or a dead body and jail time. I know these characters - I've eaten their decadent desserts, I've seen their beautiful antiques, and I've learned those family secrets when a distant elderly cousin has too much wine at Christmas and brings the celebration to a standstill. I get it! And I love it!

So, I'm back with my old boyfriend, and he's already talking my into things I've never done before. Currently that would be: Attack of The Theatre People by Marc Acito, who I don't know from Adam, but when the blurb says that the main character gets kicked out of drama school in the 80s for being "too jazz hands for Juilliard," how can I resist?

Pot Pour E

• Peach's First Communion was really wonderful, and she truly looked like an angel. We had the whole famdamily over for lunch afterwards, and the party wore on 'til the break-a-dawn. OK, just 'til dusk, but still. It was fun.
• The exterminator, here on his normal quarterly visit last week, knocked on the back door to ask if I would like him to remove the THREE FOOT SNAKE nesting in the potted fern on my porch. Where we sit. All the time. I told him yes, yes I would like him to remove it. Then I shut the door and wet myself.
• I ate lunch with a dear friend from high school on Friday, and we did not stop talking for two hours. I hardly ate anything for fear I would have to actually shut my piehole for a moment. I haven't seen her in about 15 years, and it's so nice to see that she is still the same, still hysterical, despite having weathered a number of bad events in recent years. Love her.
• We ate Mother's Day dinner at the new Chuy's by our house, and, to my extreme displeasure, some wizard had the big idea to take Banditos, and all their green chile, fried cheesy goodness off the GD menu. All I can say is this bullshit better be limited to this location only or Cabezas. Will. Roll.
• Peach had her year-end dance demonstration on Saturday, and Olive had hers on Monday. I now have videotaped evidence of the little demon spawn in Olive's class, in all their hideous glory, and, even though I'd probably get sued, I really think I could win some kind of contest with it. They are that evil.
• I've resorted to applying to a variety of HGTV shows to make my landscaping and remodeling dreams come true because, really, this lottery thing isn't working out so well, and the folderful of paper napkins I've sketched my plans out on is starting to disintegrate.
• The guy in front of me at the gas station today paid $96 to fill up his truck. Holy crap.
• Ten weeks from tomorrow, I'm turning 40. Again with the holiest of crap.

Watch Your GD Mouth

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Thanks to that crazy bitch, Mrs. Squirrel, for the link.

And Happy Mutha's Day, y'all ...

MayDay! MayDay!

I'm going down fast, y'all! Help me! The past week, I have been in o-vah-drive, preparing and scurrying about for Abuelita Turista's 90th birthday shindig last weekend, and Peach's First Communion shindig this weekend. Like, my whole family will be here in less than 24 hours. And I've still got cleaning and gardening and teeth gnashing to do. Ay. Dios. Mio.

The big soiree last Saturday was so fun - I haven't seen that many bluehairs in one place since I broke up with Luby's. Abuelita Turista was absolutely the belle of the ball, posing with one foot kicked up every time someone complimented her on her all-white outfit. We took a bunch of family pictures, and the dress code was white, khaki, or a combination of both, so it was easy for the guests to spot us, even though it took a while for some of them to place us ("Are yew tha doctah or tha lawyah?" Well, neither at the moment ...). All of the kids had a ball running through my uncle's garden in their good clothes, and the city secretary stopped by to read a proclamation from the mayor of Small Texas Town, USA, officially declaring Saturday to be Abuelita Turista Day. We ate ourselves silly, and, some of us, sick. Poor Peach must have had one pecan tassy too many because we got to revisit the day's fare at about 1 am Sunday morning. All over her, all over the bed, but not, praise Jeebus, on my cousin's off-white carpet.

This week has been a flurry of final preparation for Peach's First Communion - classes, rehearsals, emails, ice cream cakes, etc.. It's been two years in the making, and what with the party afterward and the veil and all, I really do feel like I've just planned her wedding. Which is what Olive keeps calling it, her "kid wedding." Peach is beyond excited, and it seems her star pupil status holds true in her religious as well as secular education. Her teacher loves her and says she can always count on her to know the answer to everything, including explaining very earnestly to the class that the tabernacle is much like a "holy refrigerator." I'm so happy for her.

Now, some tidbits. My broham has been in Rwanda(?!) on computer business, and he missed Opie's 1st birthday last Thursday. Boo. That little monkey is so adorable, and funny as hell, but he still prefers his mama to his tia. I'm working on it ...

When we were on the road to Abuelita Turista's last Friday, we stopped at Target in Katy so I could pee and get T-Bone some contact solution. And who should I literally run into upon exiting the bathroom? Kady from American Idol! Yeah, I couldn't think of her name either, but I recognized her as the blonde that did the Britney impression all the time. Anywho, small world, right?

Oh, and also? Damnit!!!

Remind Me Again

Because I forget - do I watch Grey's Anatomy? It's been off the air so long, and I pretty much hate everyone on the show except for Bailey, so did I ever like it? I guess if wishing Seattle Grace would spontaneously implode while Miranda and the Chief (okay, and maybe Christina) are out of town at a conference means I like it, then I LOVE it. Seriously. I just thank the network gods that the redhead got that other GD show I'll never watch because I was WAY over her and her squinting-with-pursed-lips-and-jutting-chin style of "acting." Nice range, Red. And don't even get me started on Meredith. Not only do I think Derek should once and for all break up with her, I think he should smother her and her limp mousehair and put us all out of her misery. Just call the show "Bailey Kicks All Kinds of Ass, MD" and be done with it already because I don't have time for this shit anymore.

That said, anything good on tonight?

Too Good To Be For True?

I have a separate email account for my anal retentive biz, and this, as is, arrived in my inbox after I posted an ad on craigslist:

Hello, I am Marian Bacon by name and I need a Household that can take good care of my house before my 3years child birthday party that will be celebrated this month. I really need a General House cleaning in my House and also who can do the cleaning Monthly too, I am presently Out of the country for a while just to handling some New year Company Project Budget which will be lasted till the end of the month,

So I will be coming back home very soon after the Company Project Budget and get myself prepared for my child Birthday Party with my big family. I have been away since January now, and since I will be coming home for my only God sent child Birthday , I want a professional cleaner that will be able to Handle my house for me before I arrive back to state, because Idon't like Dirty Environment for the party. * I will need you to do generally in my House and my home address as follow;- 901 East Thomas Drive Apt 74 Pharr, TX 78577

1) Here are the Part of places I needed to be cleaned

* Living Room: Dust Furniture, Dust Walls & Ceilings

*Floors: Wash and/or vacuum throughout or Vacuum Floors & Baseboards

*Kitchen: Clean countertops, dust and wipe appliances, spot-clean cupboard fronts and wash floors. or Clean & Sanitize Kitchen

*Bathrooms: Spotlessly clean sinks, tubs, Toilets and wipe counters, Clean & Sanitize Bathrooms

* Wood Staining (interior & exterior) and Roof Painting

*Cutting of the Grasses, and if that Grasses cutting is not part of your duty, you can look for someone close to you that will handle that part, because I know the snow will not make you do the cutting of grasses. I will also need a Babysitter for my Three (3) years Child, if you can do that too, but if you can't do that, kindly help me in looking for a caring person to help me out for that. I will like you to tell me your service cost for all this, I will make every provision for you, but I want a prefect job as I said before, I will not like a Dirty place for the Party. Please just make every thing perfect before I arrive, I will be in the state soonest, but I will like everything ready before my arrival time. So I want everything to be well arranged and clean. And I also attached some copies of the pictures for my house below. So kindly check out for the pictures of the Apartment and the bedroom including the kitchen, so I want you to take a look at the pictures and let me know your price per hours or on contract based.

I will contact my Boss to issue a payment in your name and send it to you, the amount that will be issued and send is $2,250 It my (TFA) Travel Food Allowance Payment , but its US Money Order which takes a long time to cash here in Spain , so I will like you to accept it, deduct $500 Advance Deposit for your service, and send ($1,640) to my Traveling Agent, because its for my Flight ticket and my child shopping and keep the remaining balance with you till I arrive to the state and we shall settle for the balance left with you. If eventually your service charge is more than $500, I will pay you the balance when I arrive and if it not up to $500, I will have my balance as well, but I will compensate you if the jobs are well done.

I will need your Full Details to issue the Payment. Immediately you forward the payment details, I will call you and I will send your Full name and address to my Boss and he will issue the payment and send it to you, that means you will receive the payment latest by 4 working days . I will send the Apartment Keys and Address as soon as you receive the check. Through the mailing address which you will be giving me to forward to my boss. You can give me a call too. Looking forward to read back from you.

First of all, yes, I know this is a joke. Clearly, a jetsetter like Marian has the means to hire any Household she wants, so I doubt she would be satisfied with some fly-by-night outfit like mine. HOWEVER, Marian is really appealing to my OCD tendencies, what with all the cleaning and the sanitizing, the dusting of the ceilings, and, of course, the cutting of the grasses. I mean, I also do not like a Dirty Environment and will not like a Dirty place for the Party for Marian's only God sent Three(3) years Child. Not at all. That said, is there no one in Pharr, Texas to get the perfect job done before she returns from Spain, where she's currently handling that New year company project budget? Surely there must be some professional Household who can Handle her house before she arrives back to state. And look, she even included pictures for her house:

I had no idea Pharr, Texas even had a Strip, but I'm not at all surprised that a stepper like Marian has a great view of it. AND a hot tub, y'all. I'm not sure why she included a picture of "Lucky," but if that Jimmy Buffet margarita machine he's sitting next to is part of the deal, I'm in.

Hardy Stock

I come from a line of incredibly strong, and loud, women. Mama Turista is absolutely the hardest working person I know (actually, that pretty much ANYONE knows), and her mother, who is throwing herself a ginormous 90th birthday shindig next weekend, has never shied away from the tough stuff either. My two aunts have put in more than their share of sweat equity on any number of projects, and my cousin, holy hell, could probably lift a burning car if push came to shove, but as a dentist, she couldn't be more gentle as she yanks a tooth out of your head. The matriarch of this proud lineage was actually less than pleasant to be around, but she did pay the taxes with her own inheritance to save the family ranch during the Depression and kept it going after her husband died, which she was all to happy to remind anyone who would listen every day of her more than 100 years on this planet. We actually aren't exactly sure how old she was when she passed because, incredibly vain as she was, she burned her birth certificate and all record of her age when her hairdresser suggested she quit dying her hair at age 80+ and let the silver shine through. She actually burned rubber as she pulled her Caddy out of the parking lot that day, and I believe her choice words left Mr. Juan in a pool of tears. All this to say, I think she lived so long just to spite us.

On the other side of the genetic coin, my dad's mother just celebrated her 96th birthday this week, and other than her "parts wearing out" (her words), she is still as brilliant and beautiful as ever. This is a woman who was married for nine years and had no children, and then had five children in four years (including twins and one more born within 11 months of each other) (Did I mention my whole family is Catholic?). And a year later? Her husband died. Yeah. She went straight to work and unintentionally became a modern woman, raising and providing for her family on her own. Obviously, it wasn't easy, but everybody made it through, and today, my dad and his siblings have great relationships with each other and have worked like a well-oiled machine in caring for my grandmother these past few years.

These gals are strong of mind, body, and spirit, and their intense love for their families is undeniably the driving force that pushes them to do the incredible things they do. So as I sit here tonight, icing my shoulder and reflecting on all the work Mama Turista and I did together this weekend, I am so thankful for all the truly amazing women in my life and in my blood, and when I catch glimpses of their strength in Peach and Olive, I know that they come by it honestly.