January 31, 2009

Place Your Bets

Tomorrow, we're watching The Stupor Bowl at the Televisions' lovely new abode. As per usual, Mr. Television has all FIVE TV sets warmed up and ready, and Mrs. Television has been busy cooking and staging, while trying to convince herself that the 4' x 4' patch in her new ceiling is only barely discernible to those who actually SAW Mr. TV come ass-first through the attic floor the first week they moved in. We can laugh about it now, but 1100 bucks wasn't so funny at the time. Neither was the 18 foot drop, or so says Mr. TV. Anyway, I told him I was bringing some sheetrock mud and tape, just in case things get out of hand.

My favorite part of The Televisions' Stupor Bowl parties is the most awesome pool Mr. TV put together some years ago. Especially for someone like me, who could give a flying fig about the game, it keeps it interesting. He's got the usual stats and points and all that, but he also throws in categories like, "National Anthem: Over 1:45 min; Under 1:45. Lip Sync; No Lip Sync." One year, I think it was Mariah or some other tart, and he included, "Midriff; No Midriff." I totally guess on the technical stuff, but I'm feeling pretty confident that there will be No Dance after the first TD but there will be a Spike after the last TD. Also, the Head Referee will be wearing an Odd Number Uniform, and The Boss will sing "Born to Run" but not "Glory Days."

And lest you doubt my skillz, I actually won this mutha two years ago, only to be dethroned last year by the youngest Television. I demanded a recount.

January 29, 2009

Lucky Duck

That’s what I am. I’m so lucky to have had my own Marian Robinson living part-time in my own White House for the past four months, helping tend to las ninas and keeping me from losing my ever-loving mind. The transition into The Job has been nearly seamless, and that is due in large, GINORMOUS part to the ever amazing Mama Turista. As always, she has done nothing but make things easier for all of us, and I could never thank her enough. Plus, we had a lot of fun in the process, as usual. I am quite sure I could have never made it to this point without her, and starting next week, because I am the aforementioned Duck, I will actually be able to go it alone, working just during school hours four days a week, with T-Bone taking the reins on Fridays. How awesome is that.

For once, I can’t wait until Monday.

January 26, 2009

Much Love for The ATX

OK – I know I’ve said this before, many many times before, but I love this town. I love it so much, it hurts. If you’ve ever lived or even visited here, you understand the pure unadulterated joy you feel upon waking up here everyday, confident in the knowledge that this is the Most Kick Ass Place To Be On The PLANET. Yes, it’s weird, but it’s also hip and progressive, yet family-friendly, with lots of cool stuff to do outdoors and in. Great restaurants, parks, museums, and more musicians per capita than anywhere else in the world. We’ve got Big (Tech) Industry, Big Gubment, and Big Academia, but we’ve also got small business and a commitment to protect and support Mom and Pop. We have people of every color, class, faith, and orientation - Freaks and Geeks, the lot of us. I could gush for hours, but I'm on the clock at the moment. Ahem.

My relationship with this town has lasted the better part of 22 years, and though some things have changed, as they unfortunately do, for the most part, it’s the same place I fell in love with lo those many moons ago, and I can’t imagine living, or raising my children, anywhere else. Fellow bloggers over there on the right have agreed with me countless times, but I’ve got to add one more Reason Why I Love This GD Town:

On my way to The Job everyday, I pass a particularly gnarly intersection that has been under construction for, I don’t know, 78 years. The belly of the beast is actually off to the east a bit, but it causes logjams near and far anyway. Today, as I was approaching, I noticed the giant light-up traffic sign said, "The End is Near!!!" I glanced at the construction and thought, "well, that’s great, I guess, but it looks like they still have a helluva way to go, so I’m not sure three exclamation points are necessary." Next, the sign said, "Run for colder climate." Again, I thought, "huh, I guess they’re just running the sign to see if it works because it’s cold today, but 50 degrees isn’t really that cold, it’s been colder recently and the sign worked just fine, but maybe it’s a new one, or …" And then the sign changed again and said, "Caution: Zombies Ahead."

See what I mean?

January 23, 2009


Today is mi hermano's birthday, which means it is my half-birthday. We are exactly four and a half years apart, both born on a Tuesday even. How did I celebrate being halfway through the Big 4-0? By taking a sick day from The Job, seeing as yesterday I was quite sure the right side of my face was going to explode from all the pressure in my noggin. I love a good headcold, don't you? Especially when it moves down into my chest and causes those righteous from-the-toes coughing fits. I'm really looking forward to that part, but for now, this:
  • I had a woman come to the door today selling "art." Door-to-door. Well, I say "art" because she had a giant portfolio containing what I assume were sketches or prints or whatever, a bag of unidentifiable shit, and a gargoyle statue. As soon as she started in on her song-and-dance, I just said, "No. I'm sick." and shut the door. And then she skipped away.
  • Peach and Olive came home today singing "We Shall Overcome" - in Hindi. I heart Montessori.
  • I'm not ashamed to admit that I've recently caught myself - several times - singing Beyonce's "Single Ladies". I love that GD song. So there.
  • Lost is the best show in the history of the world. EVER.
  • "I" have been nominated for an Oscar. For reals.
  • My car is so filthy. Could you detail it for me?
  • I'm hungry.

* This post brought to you by Tylenol Cough and Cold. Lots of it.

January 20, 2009

New Day, New Digs

What with all the change in the air, I got the fevah myself and decided to change the look of things around here. Work in progress, though. I may actually shell out some dough and get someone who actually knows what they're doing to pimp my ride. Who knows, that may encourage me to visit more often, and wouldn't YOU be happy about that?!

Speaking of happy, I AM! Change has come, y'all, and I love it.

January 16, 2009

Mouse Memories

As I prepare for a quick trip to Big D tomorrow, I realize I’ve neglected to tell you about our trip to Mouseland last month. In a nutshell, it was perfect.

Of course, Peach and Olive were totally shocked when we woke them up the morning we were leaving. I think we were all pretty shocked, actually. Later that day, as we were standing in Fantasyland about to ride the carousel for the third time in a row, I had to ask T-Bone, "Are we really here? ‘Cause I’m kind of freaking out." It was such a whirlwind to begin with, and the two hour time change didn’t help, so we were all pretty done that first night by about 6 pm. Besides, we had our extra special hotel rooms to get back to.

When I was confirming our reservation, I found out about some "suites" (really just adjoining rooms) that were themed-out in Mickey or Princess d├ęcor. Truly, it looked like the Mouse Store threw up in there. Our Princess room had just two twin beds, for two little sugar lumps who proclaimed the whole thing "magical." Olive was most fascinated with the shampoo and lotion bottles with Mickey ears on them. I told her that if we put those away, the housekeepers would give us more tomorrow. That was all I had to say. She tore through both rooms, gathering up every freebie and giveaway she could find and threw it all into a drawer in her Princess nightstand. Every time we walked in that room, she would say, "Did they bring us more bottles?" She would even ask first thing in the morning and I had to tell her, "No, my love. They did not come in IN THE NIGHT and bring us more bottles." All told we had about 40 lbs of toiletries, stationary, and laundry bags to lug home with us. It was like she was on a mission. I can’t imagine where she gets it.

As for the park, it was a tad bit more crowded than we’re used to, but we went two weeks later than usual, and it was an Annual Passholder weekend, which brought out lots of locals. Like, LOTS of locals. Almost all wearing varying shades of black, with at least 17 people in their group and at least one stroller, covered with blankets. It was coldish at night, and what a killing I could have made if I was in the Cheap-Fleece-Blankets-With-Bootleg-Characters-On-Them Trade. DAMN, y’all! All I’m saying is I’m pretty sure that one with Donald peeing on Mickey (a la Calvin and Hobbes) was not Official Mouse Merchandise.

Mouseland overall is much smaller than Mouseworld, so it tends to get congested in spots pretty quickly, especially after a parade or fireworks. Which causes all kinds-of Un-Mouselike behavior in some, like the beastly woman who was trying to swim upstream to get to the Fried Shit-on-a-Stick Shack after the Holiday Parade. When she was met with 50 bajillion people all going the other way, she just stopped and screamed, "God Dammit!" I half-expected the Mouse Police to appear and haul her off to Mouse Jail for Behavior Unbecoming to the Happiest Place on Earth. Other than that, we had a wonderful time. We did everything we wanted to do, at least twice, and Peach and Olive both told us thank you, repeatedly and voluntarily, at every turn. You should go sometime. Really.

Also, we saw Dennis Franz eating a hot dog in Tomorrow Land, and we waited in line for California Screamin' right next to Kurt Russell. The End.

January 14, 2009

Today's Mail

Dear Charity Donation Worker,

I know it’s cold outside, and I know you’re busy, what with all the texting and whatnot, but I could really use a hand out here unloading these many items for The Cause. And, I don’t know, I think standing there, without offering to help (or even looking up from your phone for Pedro’s sake) is a bit craptastic, and shouting, "Holy shit!" when you saw the 20" flat-screen monitor I’m donating (which works almost all the time) doesn’t count as conversation. Finally, I’m worried about your sinuses because the earnestness with which you tried FOUR times to "hawk up a loogie" in our short time together will probably do you more harm than good in the end. I recommend a good expectorant. And a swift kick in the ass.


Dear Fellow Gubment Employee,

Granted, it’s 27 degrees outside. And granted, it’s usually 27 degrees inside our building, too. However, neither is a good excuse to wear your huntin’ coveralls to work. Especially not the camo ones. I know you don’t believe me, but this is actually a place of business, and dressing like you’re about to go track and bag dinner is distracting. And effing ridiculous.

Have some pride,

Dear Ghost In My House,

Could you please stop making mysterious puddles of water appear in the garage? I’ve nearly busted ass at least twice thanks to you and your little hijinx, and I’ll be darned if I can’t figure out where you’re getting the water from. The walls are dry, the ceiling is too, and the suspected pipe is sealed – it’s almost as if it’s seeping up from under the floor. But that only works with blood, right?

Just curious,

Dear Antonio Banderas,

I’m not sure where it is written that celebrities are the experts on personal fragrance, but frankly, I’ve had enough, and so has Walgreen’s, apparently. One entire section of the cosmetics "department" at my local store is currently devoted to unloading signature toilet waters at rock bottom prices, right next to the leftover Farting Santas and stockings for pets. Yeah, I know you’re a Latin Lover, and yeah, I would have had your children back in the Desperado days. But now, you’re sharing shelf space with the likes of Shania, Britney, and Barbie and Ken Beckham, and the whole thing feels so dirty. I don’t know if that Swamp Thing you’re married to talked you into it or what, but dude, you’re competing with Tim McGraw. Tim McGraw! He has about as much business in the perfume game as he does in the acting game, and he’s trying to do that, too – so watch your back, amigo. Just leave the potion peddling to the losers, and get back into that Zorro mask. Rowrrr.

Con amor,

Dear Wrinkly Saggy Skin Under My Eyes,

Where in the hell did you come from all of a sudden?


January 7, 2009

So Far, So Good.

In the first seven days of this new year, here's what I've done:
  • Rang in Aught Nine at home with T-Bone, Peach, and Olive. And Bob and David. And Jack and Kyle. And Little Ricky.
  • Dismantled a shit ton of Christmas decor and frou frou and voila.
  • Had a nice, quiet day - alone - at The Job on Friday.
  • Had 27 conversations about blue paper with my legal assistant at The Job on Tuesday.
  • Paid 600 clams (actual giant clams) to get T-Bone's ride (The Bandit) fixed.
  • Watched the Horns beat the Popeyes. Fiesta, indeed!
  • Donated blood for the first time evah AND signed up to be a marrow donor.
  • Finally wore down my boss to the point that he agreed to let me cut back to 30 hours a week, starting (fingers crossed, red tape be damned) next month. And I narrowly avoided Ponytail and her GD sign-up sheet for January Goody Day. Serenity now ...

And you?