I Win.

In a Who’s Got the Greatest Old Man of All Time Contest, I mean. Really, truly.
Example # 4,637: Peach and Olive have spent the last few days with Mama and Abuelita Turista in San Antonio while T-Bone and I finish up The Christmasing and work to pay for The Christmasing. Anywho, when I planned on them going down there on Saturday, I casually mentioned to T-Bone that maybe Saturday night we could go hear some music somewhere, like back in The Day. He said to leave it up to him, and I did.

So, as I’m packing las ninas for their trip Saturday morning, T-Bone says that I might want to pack a small bag for me. So I say, "For what?" to which he says, "All will be revealed." And did like some spirit fingers or something. "As long as I can wear jeans," I say, and "Yes, that would be appropriate," says he. So in the tote went the jeans and boots, with the requisite turquoise jewelry thrown in for good measure, and we were off. We spent the afternoon with my other grandmother, and after a delicious meal at one of my favorite old haunts, we hit the road again. I-35 Northbound, to be exact. Towards Austin, to be exact.

However, just as we pass through New Braunfels, T-Bone takes the exit for Gruene, and I realize we’re going to one of my favorite live-music venues in the world: Gruene Hall. He hands me an envelope that says, "Happy Merry Chrismaversary," inside of which is a pair of tickets to see Bruce and Kelly, the Second Cutest Married Couple Ever, in their Holiday Show, and a reservation for this historic inn. Well, totally surprised and pleased was I, to say the least. That guy.

The show was so fun – lighter on the holiday songs than I expected, but I was so glad to hear some of my old favorite Kelly songs. And they had a slideshow of their four (FOUR!) redheaded angels that nearly brought me to tears, it was so cute. Gruene Hall is sort of an open-air honkytonk, but thankfully the crowd was a little more well-heeled and civil than the usual drunken fratboy a-holes that infest the place sometimes. The accommodations were quaint and comfy, and we couldn’t even hear the military dudes whooping it up til all hours in the piano bar downstairs.

After a lovely breakfast, we hit the road on a quest to complete our shopping, and dammit, if the Project Runway stuff at Demons ‘R Us hadn’t been on sale all weekend and was completely picked over, if it was even there at all. Yeah, we went to three Devil’s Spawn ‘R Us on Sunday, on the opposite ends of the world, and it was only at the last one, out in BFE, just shy of Hell, that I found one of the two items we were looking for. And it was only after we got home that I realized Peach had edited her list down from two PR items to one, to make room for the American Girl knock-off doll bed from Target. Thanks be to Jeebus we found the one item that made the cut.

And on the Ken front, we looked, y’all. We really really looked, and unless you want some prince dude, who’s strapped on an electric guitar(?) for some reason, or a surfer dude, who’s wearing a not-at-all-gay tanktop and super short swim trunks, there are NO Kens to be had. And no Ken clothes either. Unless you frantically search the interwebs, and find Fashion Insider Ken, who normally retails for $75 because he’s one of those "collectibles" that you keep in the box forever and put on the No-No-Touchy Shelf in your mauve and emerald green guest room, but who, shockingly(!), is now 50% off and available for shipping and can arrive on or around 12/29, just in time for a 12/30 birthday. Hopefully, Peach will be too distracted by the rest of her haul to notice that Barbie didn’t get no man for Christmas and then will be pleasantly surprised when she opens the dapper little dude on her birthday five days later.

So, to recap:

T-Bone – the winner and still champeen of the Most Awesome Husband Texas Cagematch Finals.

Bruce and Kelly – please come over for dinner and bring all those little carrot tops with you.

Mattel – I have a new concept for your pisspoor Ken line: Just a Normal Family Guy. See here and above for inspiration.

Peach and Olive – Christmas is coming, and Mommy’s getting fat. Please to put your pennies in your old man’s hat.

To the rest of youse - Here's hoping you have some merry and bright of your own tomorrow. Happy Holidays, y'all!