You've Made Your Bed ...

I love making the bed. Not that I jump up every morning just to turn around and make it - I enjoy the sleep too much and usually wait until the last possible second to get up. But I at least "spread" the bed - you know, half-ass it by straightening the pillows and pulling the covers back up to the top, thus making it seem, to the untrained eye, that the bed is actually "made."

I come by this simple pleasure honestly as I'm part of a long line of proud bedmakers. When I'm around my grandmother, she practically DARES me to try and get all the beds made before she does, and we usually end up making some of them together. We could do a Hallmark commercial, it's all so damn adorable. I've learned lots of little secrets to making the perfect bed, and I really think if I was a soldier or a prisoner, I could get a medal or time off my sentence for my awesome hospital corners.

I know (I know!) I'm obsessive, but it still really surprises me how many people have no idea how to make a bed. My mom's cousin recently bought his first house, and he asked her to help him pick out some furniture. They bought some linens, and she actually had to walk him through making the new bed, step-by-increasingly-painful-step. Like, she had to repeatedly explain the difference between the flat sheet and the fitted sheet. And that you put the mattress protector on BEFORE you put the sheets on. He's 55. And educated. Supposedly. But he's living alone for the first time EVER, and he's just now getting around to learning the ins-and-outs of housekeeping. Jeebus, dude.

I was recently helping a girl organize her big ass house - a job that could take me the rest of my natural life, by the by - and as I passed her open and overflowing linen closet for the umpteenth time, I decided I couldn't stand it any longer. Action had to be taken. Once I 86ed the faded and the holey, we were left with two or three sets for each bed. Instead of cramming everything back in there, as seemed to be the current system, I came up with the novel idea of FOLDING each sheet and pillowcase before putting them away. She stood there, mouth agape as I made quick work of it, and here's what followed:

Girl: Ya know, I don't know how you do that.
LT: Well, it's basically corner to corner, over and over.
G: Yeah, I just never learned how you do that.
LT: !
G: And what do you do about king size sheets? My arms are too short to fold those.
LT: !!!
G: And how do you keep them from getting so wrinkled? What kind do you buy?
LT: (WTF?) It helps if you fold them. And with the big sheets, try laying them on the bed or a table to fold them. Like this (enviable) built-in folding table you have here in your (ginormous) laundry room (armslength away from your linen closet). The table you have the (nasty, stanky) bird cage (for a bird that died before you moved in here) and (lifetime supply of off-brand) maxipads on.
G: Is THAT what that is? I always wondered what that was for. I should tell my maid.

Yeah, you get right on that, genius. I'm going to bed.