Showing My Age

You know what I rawked out to in the car this morning? The One Thing by INXS. LOVED that song. WORE OUT my Shabooh Shoobah CASSETTE tape. While shaking my SPIRAL PERM, even.

Then I remembered that I saw INXS headline one of the most random concerts I've ever been to. The supporting acts included Ziggy Marley? And ... Guns 'n Roses! Wait, what?! Yes, friends. Axl and his nasty white football pants were OPENING for Michael Hutchence and all his smoldering hottness. And that really harshed the mellow of the freaky dude a few rows over from us, (the only person in that section, by the way), who kept yelling, "Do you know where you ARE? You're in the JUNGLE, motherfuckers! WHOOO!" I think he finally had to be carried out at some point. It was all so weird.

And the weirdest part of all is that T-Bone was there, too, and can probably remember every band's exact set because he's some kind of savant like that. Somewhere in that teeming mass of humanity, he was there with some of his boyz, and I was there with the biggest asshole I've ever known. But flash forward nearly 20 years, and here we are, about to celebrate 10 years of marital hilarity. More on that later ...

Family Ties

So Thanksgiving with the in-laws was nice, but on the way out there, I got a call from my cousin that my grandmother had fallen and dislocated her shoulder. Truly, after being assured that she was at the hospital and that she was okay, my first thought was, "Please God. Don't let her be wearing that old green nightgown with the ripped out neck that my aunt keeps telling her is too long and is going to trip her up and make her fall and break her hip. Because if she is wearing that damn thing, we will NEVER hear the end of it." If you knew my aunt, you'd understand. Fortunately, my grandmother was in fact NOT wearing the dreaded nightgown at the time (although she had been wearing it earlier - whew) but was dressed up for yet another funeral (she's like a groupie or something), and her shoe just grabbed the rug as she was walking by the buffet. But, ever the thoughtful hostess and responsible Ladies Guild member, even as she waited for my other aunt to take her to the emergency room, she had the wherewithall to call another Guild member and ask her to pick up the chicken she was supposed to bring to the KC hall for after the service. However, our wilted magnolia poured it on a little too thick when she told my aunt on the way home from the hospital, her right arm immobilized in a sling (on the day before Thanksgiving), "Well, I think I can still chop with my left hand." Easy there, Scarlett.

In other medical news, my niece finally decided to grace us with her presence and cooperated rather quickly when my SIL was induced yesterday morning, 9 days overdue. God love her. I spent the morning with the little princess, and she is, as expected, deliciously cute. Now we're four for four in the granddaughter category for T-Bone's folks, so I think it's safe to say that my MIL has sufficient opportunity to indulge any pink and purple fantasies she may have missed out on as the mother of two boys.

Speaking of the proud new papa of two, my BIL, and fellow thespian, has a scene in the Coen brothers' new movie No Country For Old Men, so go see it and look for him in a scene with Javier Bardem, Stephen Root, and a shotgun. That's all I'm saying.

Except for this: Guess who I saw in the candy aisle at Target today? Yes, it seems our pocket-size favorite son has a sweet tooth. Who knew.

I Know It's Early, But This Can't Wait

Because it's my duty to point out the most tasteless and/or creepiest in holiday decor, I need to bring this to your attention, spotted today at the Hallmark store:

Why, it's Chatty Cathy. And I swear to Jeebus that when I pulled the string in back, she screeched, "I hurt myself." I nearly wet MYself from fear.

There's also this prankster:

Just pull his finger, and wait for the magic. And really, just scroll down this whole page, because they got millions of 'em! Including this angry fella:

For the hunter/gatherer/survivalist zealot in your life:

And finally, from the Marie Osmond QVC collection, may I present, "Kissy Under the Mistletoe," or "Something From My Childhood Nightmares:"

Yours for the low low price of $119.25. Plus the cost of YEARS of therapy.

We're off to see the in-laws unless or until my SIL decides to let loose her cervix and let that baby out already. So have a Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

And I Know Comedy

Ten Things That Made Me Laugh In The Past Five Days:

1. Olive's daily recitations of Cheech and Chong's "Santa Claus and His Old Lady."
2. Peach's fits of laughter as we scrolled through old pictures and made up wacky captions.
3. Finding the first Valentine T-Bone gave me. A la Ralph, he drew a train and heart-shaped smoke puffs that said, "I choo choo choose you to be my Valentine."
4. Finding a note T-Bone passed to me in the law library one time during finals week. It said, "Your epidermis is showing."
5. Karla May's hilarious performance at the aptly-named Mortified show.
6. Olive's insistence that a horse's nose and mouth area is called a "muskin."
7. Peach's shopping cart driving (crashing) abilities.
8. My mom recalling when she had to explain to my nosy grandmother why the fabulous Brit named Nigel they met on their cruise might want to buy a jockstrap with a donkey tail attached to it in Ketchikan, Alaska.
9. My MOM saying the phrase "jockstrap with a donkey tail attached to it."
10. Revisiting Diversity Day at Dunder Mifflin.

To Be Fair

Speaking of private parts (Wait, were we?), I was driving behind an SUV today that was covered in those "My Kid is #9 on the Synchronized Bullshitting Team" or whatever, and I noticed that one of the stick figures in the family portrait in the right-hand corner was a cheerleader. And then I found her corresponding sticker in the left-hand corner. It was a megaphone sitting on the ground with a pom pom on either side of it. Think about it. Draw it out if you must. Now, you ain't gotta be a 12 year old boy to figure out what THAT looks like. And it had Mhykayelah's name on it, too. Ewww.