It's All In The Jeans

Right after shopping for bathing suits and bras, shopping for jeans is one of the absolute worst, most painful ways to spend a few hours of your life. Am I right? But, I'm down to one(!) pair, seeing as I finally blew out the knee of the second of two pairs I bought the last time I went shopping for jeans about eight years ago. I'm not even kidding. I HATE IT. It would seem like such a simple endeavor: All I want is a pair that fits. And costs less than 50 bucks. That's IT. But because I'm long in the stride, and wide in the arse, and full in the thigh, and long in the leg, and I don't like my buttcrack to show every time I bend over or have my full badonkadonk flattened out like a pancake, I am asking WAY too much.

Knowing all of this, I charged into Old Navy on a mission the other day, and an hour and a half later, I had two new pairs in my hot little hand. But it wasn't easy, my friends. They have basically three styles, with variations on each, and I decided that "The Sweetheart" was for me. But I didn't want the "skinny" version or the wide leg version, and I sure as HELL didn't want the "high-waisted" version. Seriously, those look like shit on EVERYONE. If they look like shit on those walking coathangers that think they're bringing Marilyn back, can you imagine what they would look like on a giant mother of two who regularly gets her Tex-Mex on? I almost tried them on as a joke, but I didn't want to break my concentration. I was reminded, however, of Karla May and how, when we see stupid clothes like that, one of us always says, "That would look so good on me. Especially if it was in white."

Once I decided on the style and the size, I was done, right? No. Each size comes in Ankle, Regular, and Long, and I really need the Long. So I looked in the stacks and stacks of Sweethearts on the shelves, as well as every hidey-hole of backstock in that GD store, and I came to this conclusion: The makers of these GD jeans have decided that they have used up way too much of their precious (cheap) denim to cover the asses of those needing my particular size so they couldn't possibly waste another two inches on the length, so screw you, you giant fatties. Really. Not one pair in a Long. They've got everything else under the sun, but not the one blessed combo I was looking for. Of course.

So I ended up with two new pairs of highwaters, but they were only $29.50 a piece. See you in eight years, suckers.