Jokes from The Back Seat

Olive: HOW did the banana cross the road?
Peach: I don't know.
Olive: Because he had FEET! Hahahaha!

O: Knock knock.
P: Who's there?
O: Peach.
P: Peach, who?
O: You can't catch me, because he was married by a WOMAN! Hahahaha!

Just to retaliate, Peach has pulled this out again. Yay.

The Big Night

My whole life, I have loved watching the Oscars. I always make ballots for everyone, we have lots of snacks, and I usually cry at least twice. And there can be no questions or talking about ANYTHING until a commercial break. Seriously. Ask Karla May.

So as I prepare for tonight's big show, my newest partner in crime, Peach, has just submitted her ballot. This is the third year that she's been really interested, and tonight, she may actually make it through the whole show. Having seen exactly one of the movies nominated in any of the categories (Cars), her picks are still fairly informed. She chose Dreamgirls and The Queen in every category in which they're nominated, but she also chose some winners based purely on their names - just like her mama picks horses.

Her picks include: Cars, Children of Men, Little Children, Little Miss Sunshine, and Pirates of the Caribbean (she rode it at Mouse World). Her best actor pick is based on the name of her most favorite cousin in the whole world, and being the budding young Catholic that she is, she chose Jesus Camp and The Saviour in their respective categories. Perfect.

Now I'm off for five of the best hours of the whole year - so DON'T call me.

I'm Excited, Y'all.

For the first time ever. Really, really excited.

What I Did on My Presidents' Day Vacation

So so sorry, Internets. We were visiting Mama Turista in San Antonio this weekend, and I've been catching up with, you know, LIFE the past two days. But, I'm back now. I think.

Last Wednesday, because I love to be all benevolent and shit like that, I took Peach to Half Price Books and told her to pick out a few books for GGMS's library book drive. We had a few gently used paperbacks to throw in, but I thought she would also enjoy picking out something new, so when we happened upon a series of illustrated classics for young readers at $2.98 a pop, I told her to choose 4 or 5 titles. Not an easy task for a stone cold bookworm, I now realize. Por ejemplo:

P: Oh, Mommy! They have Oliver Twist! I love Oliver Twist! And look! The Secret Garden! Wait - is that? YES! It's A Little Princess! I LOVE THAT BOOK! And Heidi! And Great Expectations! Did you know Charles Dickens wrote that, too? And A Christmas Carol. YES! They have Tom Sawyer AND Huck Finn! And they have Black Beauty! You know who would love that? Olive! You know, because she loves horses. And they have ...

You get the picture. We ended up with 10 titles, 4 of which never left our house. And thus began my journey, my mission, my compulsion, if you will. Must. Get. More. Must. Have. Complete. Series.

I know, I know. But I am SO my father's daughter. He loves nothing more than to "hunt" for stuff. Not live stuff - not anymore, anyway. Mama Turista won't allow that. Just STUFF. Like if you just casually mention you like a certain coffee, he'll hit every Wal Mart, Sam's, and Costco within the state until he finds a pallet of the stuff he can deliver to your house. And what's good for one of us is probably better for the whole family, so - pallets for everyone!

So one week later, after five trips to four stores in two cities, voila:

Now if we can just track down that pesky King Arthur, Peach's wishlist will be complete. The only problem with all of this, besides providing further proof that I should probably be "talking to someone" about my compulsive behavior, is this is the view I've been getting of Peach the last few days:

I used to be like that. The whole reading-while-walking-then-falling-down-the-stairs thing. Now the extent of my pleasure reading is the few pages of People magazine I can get through in the 10 minutes it usually takes before I fall asleep. But I did snag this for a couple of bucks:

I also got a giant book of these puzzles all the kids are doing these days. SOO-DOH-KOO? Maybe you've heard of it?

And just to show you that I came by this craziness honestly, upon Papa Turista's triumphant return from The Valley on Sunday, he had in hand 4 titles from another illustrated classics series for young readers. Awww ...

The Word of the Lord

Love Is ...

My aunt is 13 years younger than my mom, so she's only about 13 years older than me. We've always been really close, and growing up in the 70s, I thought she was the grooviest thing around, what with her long, ironed hair and huge ass bell bottoms. I loved going to my grandparents' house because I got to stay in her old room and meddle all of her old stuff. For whatever reason, I was fascinated with this series of books, and I still have three ragged copies that I peruse for "advice" every now and again. So, in honor of Valentine's Day, and my ONE YEAR blogging anniversary, I want to share my riches with all of you. May I present the first of a three part series entitled, "Love Is ... Clothing Optional."

First, for the Happy Couple:

Wait, are they ...?

Nude? Yeah.

(Insert stick shift joke here)

Now, for the Gents:

That shouldn't be too hard, since you never wear any.

Apparently, a lot of pelvic action helps.

Is that a euphemism?

And the cops so appreciate it when you put it in a nice little box with a label on it. They love that.

Listen up, Ladies:

NOW he puts clothes on.

Or prepubescent. Whichever.

It complements the "Kick Me" sign tattooed on your ass.

"Just mind my pet chipmunk, honey."

Happy Valentine's Day!

Me: Fashionably Late. Not Me: Punctual.

I'm only like a week behind everybody else who has done this. From the desk of the lovely Badger, the Me/Not Me Meme/Photo Essay/Several Hours of My Life.

Me:

Not Me:

Me:

Not Me:

Me:

Not Me:

Me:

Not Me:

Me:
Still Me:

Gag Me:
Me:
Not Me:
Me: Not Me:

Me:
Not Me:
Me (smooch):

Not Me:

Me:

And Me:

Still Me, Sweet Baby: Not Me. Not Ever:

Me:
Not Me:

This Either:Mine Now:Mine on a Cold Day in Hell:

I think I need to go wash my hands (and my eyes) now.

Whoa, Nelly ...

I've been waiting to post this so as not to tempt fate, but it seems that the inevitable is happening, right now, as we speak, at Casa de Bone: Olive is "gwowing up." The day after Christmas, she decided she was potty trained, and she's been 99% ever since. Then, three weeks ago, she rather unceremoniously pulled her beloved pacifier out of her mouth, handed it to me, and said, "I don't need this anymore, Mommy. I'm 'gwowing up.'" O-kaaay ...

See, we haven't really "worked" on any of this yet. We've had a few false starts on the potty training, and we've discussed ad nauseum how big girls don't need "sassies" and that we could give hers to babies that don't have sassies, like maybe her new twin cousins. To which she would always reply, "That's a great idea! But not today." She only used it to get to sleep and sometimes in the car, and I knew she would give it up sometime (preferably before our next visit to the dentist), but I thought it would be a bit of a struggle, considering that I can barely give up my vices for Lent, much less for FOREVER. Without a peep? But that's pretty much what she did. She's asked about it three times, all in the context of "Mommy! You need to send my sassies to the babies! You need to do it!" Yes, madame. I'll get right on that.

NOW, the child is making noise about wanting to sleep in her big girl bed instead of the loving confines of her mama's arms, and I have to put my foot right down on that. I am just not ready for that AT ALL, sister, so just hold your little horses. Specifically, these:

The herd has gathered for a birthday party. I believe it was for Sparkleworks or Rainbow Dash, but it might have been for Spot or the twins, Blackie and Burns. Regardless, we had to shut the thing down early thanks to a crasher:

And if anybody's looking for something to do tonight, I think there's a football game on.

Thanks, LSAT Prep Course. I Think.

You Are Pretty Logical

You're a bit of a wizard when it comes to logic. While you don't have perfect logic, your logic is pretty darn good. Keep at it - you've got a lot of natural talent in this area!

How Logical Are You?

A New Outfit

I'm coming up on my one year blogging anniversary, so I got myself some new blogging threads. Well, actually, it's the same outfit I've been wearing, just in a different color. I do that with shoes, too.