I'll Be Here All Week

Apparently, we have a jokester in residence at Casa de Bone - Olive the Toddler Comic. She even writes her own material:

O: Knock knock.
LT: Who's there?
O: Baby banana.
LT: Baby b ...
O: (interrupting) Baby banana who! Peel me! Peel me! HAHAHA! (Pause) Clap for me! Clap for me! I take a bow!

This repeats for about 20 minutes, several times a day.

What, Me Worry?

Duh. If I ever STOP worrying about anything and everything, there is something wrong with me. I worry about all the usual things (something happening to the girls, the family, me) and a whole host of the less usual things (if this bridge I'm driving on collapsed right now, POGO - Pop the seatbelt, Open the door, Get Out). Now, I'm not like paralyzed with fear or anything - I'm really a happy and very blessed person, but I have made myself believe that if I can think through a bad situation to its ultimate and/or most horrible end, then if I am ever in that situation, I will be prepared or, better yet, I can will it not to happen in the first place. Makes sense to me. Somehow, I have been able to hide this neurosis from everyone except those that know me the very best. People tell me all the time, "Peach and Olive are so calm and well-mannered. That's because you and T-Bone are so calm." Huh? Have you met me?

Right now, I have so many worry irons in the worry fire, it's a wonder my worried brain hasn't exploded from overuse. Added to the usual mix, I also worry about finding a job, about possibly having to find care for Olive due to said job, and about where Peach is going to school next year. I worry about the small window of time that I won't be covered by insurance (unless I find a job) before I can be added to T-Bone's. I worry about our cars and the combined 300,000+ miles they have on them and how one car payment would absolutely break the bank, much less two. And I worry that the gigantic knot in my stomach that sent me to the gastroenterologist 3 years ago is back and reigniting my addiction to Smooth Dissolve Tums. Is any of this life and death? No. Am I way better off than most people? Absolutely. That said, being a grown-up bites sometimes.

My Girl Likes to Potty All the Time

Olive has shown great interest lately in potty training. She gets so excited when we tell her we're going to the potty, she tries to pull her diaper and clothes off before we even get to the bathroom. We time it for when we know she probably needs to go (she's not to the "I need to go" stage, but she does ask to sit on the potty - a lot), thereby ensuring maximum success. The first time she went, she was sitting too close to the front of the seat, with her chubby legs squeezed together, so the pee shot straight up and out, like a boy, and I couldn't get her over the surprise of it all and properly positioned before she was finished. The second time, she was in the right spot at just the right time, and when she started going, she yelled, "Mommy! It's working! It's working!" She shakes with excitement, and don't even get me started on the moves she does to the potty song I made up when we were training Peach. It's just a peein', poopin' love fest over here at Casa de Bone.

My Governor is a Jewish Cowboy

I love this country and the fact that we can say whatever we want about whoever we want. I especially love Austin and the fact that many of the people who live here have an overwhelming desire to say many things about many people and plaster their feelings all over their cars. On my daily drive to points north of the river, I am always pleased and entertained by the number of anti-Bush bumper stickers I see. I find this especially humorous since he used to live here. There are so many good ones, it's hard to choose a favorite (what's yours?), but I think one of the originals still says it best: Bush is a Punk Ass Chump. I also giggle every time I see the brilliant anti-Perry sticker: Adios, Mofo.

Which brings me to Kinky's stickers. They're funny AND we laugh for the right reasons. He's taking this campaign as seriously as one can, and he certainly couldn't embarrass us any more than the last two residents of the Mansion. So kick that big-haired Aggie out of office, and let One Tough Grandma (T-Bone's boss, by the way) move on to bigger and better things. Head here to find out where you can sign the petition to get Kinky on the ballot.

Freebird! Part III

The final installment, plus a bonus category ...

3 most disappointing live shows you ever saw

1. REM - Southpark Meadows - Austin, Texas

The usual magic did not translate across the wide open spaces.

2. The Butthole Surfers - Austin Music Hall - Austin, Texas

Too loud. Too stupid (even by BHS standards). I left when Gibby pulled out the friggin' bullhorn.

3. Depeche Mode - Erwin Center - Austin, Texas

It was 1988. I think OMD opened. It was horrible. I was an idiot.

3 bands that you wish you’d seen live

1. The King - I loves me some E. Young, old, skinny, fat, Louisiana Hayride, or Vegas. Doesn't matter. I used to have TCB4EAP printed on my checks like it was my license number.

2. Led Zeppelin - I saw Robert Plant in the early 90s, and the man still had a whole lotta love to give. I can only imagine seeing those golden curls and leather pants back in the day, when hard rock was so new and oh so scary.

3. Stevie Ray Vaughn and Double Trouble - Living in Austin lo these many years, I feel like I have seen them live, but, alas, I never did. RIP SRV.

First live show you saw (without parents)

I'm not sure, but being born and raised a stone cold Commodores fan, I believe it was a very adult and very contemporary evening with one Mr. Lionel Richie. I was in 9th grade and ready to party "All Night Long."

Last live show you saw

The Biscuit Brothers at the Austin Children's Museum two weeks ago. Before that, ACL Fest in September where I saw Steve Earle, Robert Earl Keen, the Allman Brothers (7 songs in 1 hour, "Whipping Post" was 14 minutes long), and the reunited-because-they-missed-me-so-much Black Crowes. Damn you, Kate Hudson.

Most surprising live show you ever saw and why

Ray Davies - Empire Theatre - San Antonio, Texas

I like the Kinks, but T-Bone is the real fan, and he won tickets to the show off the radio. The show was just Ray and his guitar, and, ala VH1's "Storytellers," he talked about the process of songwriting and his inspiration behind certain songs. He also read from his autobiography in between songs. I didn't know what to expect, and it was just so cool.

Live show I went to that would probably surprise you

Debbie Gibson - Erwin Center - Austin, Texas

I went on a dare, dressed in a baby doll dress, jean jacket, bobby socks and flats, my spiral perm pulled tight in a scrunchy. My friend and I were the only ones who drove ourselves there, and there was a waiting room downstairs for parents who couldn't stand "that GD racket."

As I reflected on my concert experiences, a special category seemed to be warranted for:

3 live shows where I witnessed public nudity

1. Aerosmith - Hemisfair Arena - San Antonio, Texas

The girl sitting next to me bought a shirt and decided to change into it right there. She wasn't wearing a bra.

2. The Rolling Stones - Texas Motor Speedway(!) - Fort Worth, Texas

The guy four rows in front of us kept pulling down his SWEATPANTS to moon Keith Richards. He finally dropped them to his ankles, spread his buttcheeks, and played percussion on "Sympathy for the Devil."

3. Bob Dylan - Erwin Center - Austin, Texas

The girl sitting smack dab in front of me was wearing assless chaps and a thong. We were sitting in floor seats, so unless I stood up when she did, I had a swaying ass in my face. And she had absolutely no sense of rhythm.

Honorable Mention: Fourth of July Freedom Fest - Zilker Park - Austin, Texas

The woman right in front of us kept flashing her tired old boobies while standing on a cooler. And one of the shirtless skinny guys with her had a jailhouse American flag tattoo on his chest that said, "Burn this, mother fucker."

Freebird! Part II

OK - I've had a Red Bull and a whore's bath in the sink. I'm ready to power on ...

3 best live shows you ever saw (small venue)

1. The Black Crowes - The Unicorn - Houston, Texas

The Unicorn was actually an old grocery store, and the tickets were general admission. It was the Crowes' first headlining tour, and Jellyfish(!) opened the show. Chris Robinson is my forever rock and roll boyfriend, and so I braved the throngs of assholes from Oklahoma and a drunk frat guy who peed on my foot (yes, right on the Unicorn floor) and elbowed my way up to the spot right in front of Chris's microphone. Once they started, I totally rocked out (alone, by the way, since my friend bailed after the peeing incident). At one point, I hip checked this bimbo hard who was trying to bounce her way into my spot, and Johnny Colt pointed right at me, smiled, and gave me the devil horns sign, complete with tongue. Chris and I made eye contact several times, and he smiled when he caught me singing an as-yet-unreleased (at the time) "Thorn in My Pride." I'm sure I could crush him with the weight of my love, but I dig his voice, I dig his moves, and I dig his dirty rock 'n roll.

2. Jerry Lee Lewis - Gruene Hall - Gruene, Texas

The Killer doesn't get out that often, so you gotta jump at any chance to see him. Another general admission affair, and some of the old farts actually thought people would be sitting down during the show. I dare you to try and sit still during "Meatman." Anyway, T-Bone and I staked out a place in front and waited for Jerry Lee's grand entrance. And what an entrance it was. When he came out, to much fanfare of course, he tried to cross in front of his pie-ana, which was facing perpendicular to the front of the stage, like, right up to the edge of the stage. He took two steps and end-oed right off the stage. Which was only made all the more shocking and creepy by the fact that he had so much makeup on - he looked like a corpse when he first walked out. I was close enough to get a hand on him as the crowd pushed him back on stage, and he was hoppin' mad by that point. He yelled something at the Gruene Hall staff, and then at the band, but Kenneth Lovelace, in all his permed glory, and that guitar god James Burton got things back on track, and the show was off. It took a minute for Jerry Lee to get into it, but the show was awesome, and every once in a while, I caught a glimpse of what it must have been like to see him back in the day. I was barely pregnant at the time, and we were pleasantly surprised when he played Peach's namesake song, which we took as a sign that we had chosen the right girl's name, especially since Willie Nelson played it too when we saw him a few weeks later.

3. Cheap Trick - Showcase Event Center - San Antonio, Texas

This was a total spur of the moment thing. When I was home from college one Christmas, a friend called and asked if I wanted to go see Cheap Trick, like, right now. We ran to get tickets at Dillard’s(!) and then headed to the club, which held about 200 people? I don’t know – it was small. I saw Joe King Carasco there several times in high school, so that small. The "stage" was really more of a platform, so we were about eye to eye with the band. It was right before their big comeback with that song "The Flame," and, pardon the pun, they were really tight. The best part was at the end when they were playing "She’s Tight." About four rows back in the crowd, people had pulled up chairs to stand on, and these three girls were like go-go dancing up there. Robin Zander had a mini-spotlight that he would shine on a different girl every time he said "She’s Tight." The last time, the Big Finish to the whole show mind you, he shined it on one of the go-go girls, who at that very moment had discovered that her ring was caught in her very big hair. Her face was all contorted and she just kept screaming, "My hair! Help me, y'all! My fucking ring is stuck in my hair!" I almost peed my pants.

Back with an encore soon.

Freebird! Part I

In response to Karla May's Concert Meme challenge, I raise my lighter and my tank top and say, "WOOOOO!"

3 best live shows you ever saw (large venue)

1. U2 - Joshua Tree - Erwin Center - Austin, Texas

Other than "religious experience," mere words cannot describe the impact of this show. Those that were there can attest to the Gospel according to Bono, who looked every inch like the Rock God whose Rolling Stone cover picture I slept under every night until I was 23. I went with 10 guy friends from high school, and the minute we got to our seats, I started crying. The crowd started doing "The Wave," in the DARK, BEFORE the show even started, and by the time Bono hit the stage, I really thought I was going to have a heartattack. Part of my fragile emotional state could have had something to do with the long journey I took to get to the show in the first place. It was back in the early days of VISA bands (remember those?), and I had been lucky enough to get one. However, in something out of a bad sitcom, the day the tickets went on sale, the person right in front of me in line, the asshole I had heard quote useless U2 trivia for three hours while we waited for the ticket window at HEB to open up, THAT guy, bought the last four tickets. When I got to the window, they actually put up the "Sold Out" sign and closed the window in my face. I immediately went to the store bathroom and threw up, which brought that day's total to 4 (once when I woke up at 5am to get in line after staying out til 3 and twice outside the store while listening to the Super Fan). A friend of a friend came up with two tickets a couple of weeks later (I had put out an APB for any available tickets), and although I paid $50 for a balcony seat, it was so so so worth it. At the end, everyone was singing "40" as the lights came up and kept right on singing as we filed out to the parking lot. Sigh.

2. Pearl Jam - Vs. - Southpark Meadows - Austin, Texas

Hands down the best outdoor show I've ever seen. It was an all day affair that I believe kicked off with the Ramones, but I was just focused on getting up close and personal with Stone Gossard. The minute the show started, I quickly realized: (a) I was actually in the mosh pit; and (b) this was probably not the day to wear my prescription sunglasses. The sunglasses were immediately broken as I was pushed and bounced around the perimeter of the pit (I ain't all the way crazy), and I dug every minute of it. My two friends and I locked arms and held on for dear life (one of them lost her shoes along the way), and we sang every word at the top of our lungs. I was bouncing particularly high during "Elderly Woman ...," and I waved and pointed right at Stoney while singing, "But now here you are, and HERE I AM!" I just know he saw me because he smiled real big right at me. Right before he instructed the crew to turn the hose on us. By the end, I left soaking wet, muddy, and bruised - and high on my love for my famous grunge boyfriend.

3. REM - Green - Erwin Center - Austin, Texas

Although I had been a fan since "Murmur," I had never seen the boys from Athens live, and when a friend came up with an extra ticket at the last minute, I headed to the Drum for a kick ass rock show. Michael Stipe was like a man possessed, complete with the eyeliner and white powder, and the whole place went ape shit bananas. I loved it so much that my friend and I hightailed it to BFE/College Station to see them at G. Rollie White Coliseum the next night. Now that's some dedication - dragging my Burnt Orange ass to Aggieland, AND crashing at my ex-boyfriend's crib no less, just to see them tear the roof off the joint again. Talk about the passion ...

This was so fun but so HARD - especially when you love the rock as much as I do. I have to break this down into several parts to keep my head from exploding. So, consider this the drum solo portion of the show. Feel free to go get a beer, and I'll be back after I've toweled off.

Who are The People in Your Neighborhood?

We have a neighborhood Yahoo group where people post things like garage sales, hike and bike trail clean-up days, and home-related service recommendations, etc.. There is also a folder where people have posted pictures of animals up for adoption and wildlife seen around the neighborhood. There are a grand total of less than 20 pictures in the whole folder. That said, call me crazy, call me a prude, but I'm not sure the Yahoo group is the appropriate forum for this:

P.S. The other day, she posted a message asking if anyone had a metal detector she could borrow because she lost "something metal" in her yard. I would think if it was a ring, she would have said "ring," so I shudder to think what it is she really lost. Please let it be a ring. Please let it be a ring. Please let it be a ring ...

Rebuttal

Sorry, Karla May - not all kid music is crap. We took Peach and Olive to see these guys at the Children's Museum last night, and they rocked the house. We watch their show on PBS, and the whole idea behind it is to get kids learning about and interested in music. The outfits are hokey, the comedy is corny, but I love their catchphrase: Go Make Music. Peach got to request a song, and Olive was shakin' what her mama gave her all night long. Next time we go, I'm kidnapping the Geej and taking her with us ...

Travelin' Jones

I have been literally knee-deep in organic gardening products the past few days, and unless at least half of the stuff I planted survives, I have several asses to kick at the Natural Gardener.

In the meantime, Peach announced the other night that she was going on a long trip. She packed a dishtowel with her glasses, some plastic horses, and a pen, tied it all to a wooden spoon, and met me in the laundry room with this:

P: (whispering) I'm just pretending. Ask me where I'm going.

LT: Where ya goin' there?

P: Well, I'm leaving on a long trip.

LT: Oh - well, I'll sure miss you. Do you think you'll ever come back?

P: I don't know. Bye. (turning to leave the laundry room)

(Pause)

P: (running at me with eyes full of huge tears) I don't want to go! I don't want to leave you!

(much crying)

LT: It's OK. It's OK. You were just pretending. I know you weren't really leaving.

P: (more crying) I don't know why I'm crying! (shades of things to come in about 7 years!)

LT: It's just that you're such a great actress, you made yourself believe that you were really leaving! You have such a great imagination that you thought it was real! I know you're not really going.

(crying starts to subside)

LT: Why don't you get in the tent and pretend that you're camping and you can tell me all about it.

P: I'll need some paper.

Over the next hour, these notes were periodically slipped out from under the tent:

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
I hope you don't miss me. I am in the jungle. I saw a monkey and a hyena, too!
P.S. I miss you.
P.P.S. I am OK.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
I will not leave out any detail about Japan. It was great. First I was eating on pillows which were really fluffy!
P.S. I am OK.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
You want to guess where I am? That's right. California. Good old California. I saw a movie star!
P.S. I went to Hollywood.

Dear Mommy and Daddy,
Do you want to guess again? Well, that's right. Florida! I went to Disneyworld. I rode the Dumbo ride and the Peter Pan ride!
P.S. I saw Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse.

The journey ended, for now, at bedtime, but she tells me her next stop is Africa. I'll keep you posted.

Shit

Yup - 3 cubic yards of turkey shit. T-Bone and I spent the better part of the day shoveling shit, turning shit, and raking shit for our up-to-now empty back flower bed. When we moved in last April, T-Bone put down 9 cubic yards of top soil and the grass in the backyard, with some help from moi, so after that little adventure, we were out of funds and out of steam when it came to preparing and planting the bed. Plus, we had a hard enough time keeping the grass alive in the lovely Texas sun - I can't imagine torturing some poor perennials as well. So, now we're ready for Phase 2 - Shit Duty. Next we'll be taking volunteers for helping us move in to said bed the 900 lb cement bench I bought. It's heavy as shit.